The authentic self

This week has felt like being a captive in my own home. Between the sound of drills, hammers and three disgruntled dogs, I wonder why anyone would invite house renovations on themselves. It's madness, and I am truly exhausted. The job seemed beyond my skills, courage levels and power tools. So I employed someone to do the work. The work was replacing a rotting sitting room floor.

As the reveal began, I felt angry at the people who sold the house. The problem needed to be dealt with sooner. Covering up the problems magnified them in the long term. Did I pay too much for the house? A question people don't seem to ask themselves enough these days. Was this house a steal? Only by comparison to today's inflated prices.

My God, why are people not asking themselves: are they overpaying, and wouldn't a move to Italy be a much better option? Or wherever the flights are cheap and the language is easier to master.

It's just one room, but if you knew about my previous house, then this one room is so important because it preserves a good feeling for me. That good feeling that comes from period properties and the stories the walls hold. It was a slower building time. Attention to detail was important, apart from the beautiful stone walls that represent strength to me.

When I moved into my last house, there were layers of wallpaper trapping damp behind them. Carpets that were hideous but functional. Paint that jammed the shutters shut. Each part revealed itself in a gentle way despite the hours of scraping and steaming walls. There was time to think and consider the meaning of the building for us.

There is something different about this house. It seems that last-minute changes were made to conceal problems that would get the sale across the line. The vacant homes grant wasn't available at that time, maybe.   Of course, a vacant homes grant is only suitable in two scenarios: when you have the capital to put up front, and you have somewhere else to live. That part makes no sense to me, as surely a grant would be offered to those who have no alternative accommodation ahead of the person who sits on a property for two years, adding the grant money onto the value of the house.

We have lived here for 5 years. Freezing cold winters and making the most of it. We had no running water or heating when we arrived. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was a project, but I think this week the floors revealed some truths:

• The truth has many faces
• People don't always appreciate their good fortune
• Many people live behind a facade, no different from plasterboard covering up dry rot
• Deception is a currency
• Realtors in general cannot be trusted
• Engineer reports need to be audited. They are minimal and ineffectual.
• No matter how much earth you rake out, there is always more dirt
• People will convince you of anything for a quick job
• A mini digger is a good investment
• We live in a society that doesn't genuinely appreciate history
• The detail matters; it's not an inconvenience
• Original features need to be removed with care, not broken and not dumped. The plan is to put them back in place.

What has this to do with anything? A period property, when it's paired back to its stone wall, has a presence like no other building. It has dignity, and it commands respect. It is not flashy. The flash comes after people think there needs to be more. This is no different to how people approach their lives. They are conditioned to think they have to be more. They have to earn more. Bigger is better. What that person has must be necessary. As time goes on, we become less like our true authentic self and more like a stone wall that cannot breathe. Joists that start to rot quietly beneath the surface until they crumble in your hand. 

Breathing is one of the most important activities. It is involuntary. And to withhold that breath leads to certain death. So, how can people stand it? The pretence. The illusion that what is on the surface is all that counts. Their health must be affected. They must feel ill. Toxins in their system. It has spread far and wide, so a social epidemic no less. 

A message of encouragement to those of you who might feel you are lagging behind others. If you know who you are and you can hold your own, then hats off to you. You are already living authentically. But what if we strip things back further? What if you had nothing? Could you stand it? What if you did not have to be anything? Where would your identity come from? What if what was important was your experience of the unique life you were given? It wasn't preordained that you would struggle or suffer. The world chose its own path of self-destruction even though it began with everything it needed.  It chose to drive itself into the ground, meeting expectations that have now become completely virtual. Who started it? Parents, society? Leaders who have proven to be no better than sociopaths. You did? 

We have to take responsibility for choices that were made out of fear. The fear of missing out, not fitting in, not knowing who we are, propping up our identity. You may look at another person's life and say that, that would never happen to me. What! Financial ruin, homelessness, ill health, breakdown? What would happen if you had to live another's life? What if there was a compulsory switch in the morning?

As the Natural world screams the message that we will now become the third world of the West, particularly if we don't wake up and reassess our values and our deliberate neglect. We owe Nature such an apology. We owe other human beings and the animals walking this earth an apology. Our arrogant ignorance and greed have brought us here. So now we have to pare back our materialism, waste and wanton destruction. I think the best place to begin is with ourselves.

You can stop the rot. Open yourself up to full breaths and natural light. Be more humble and let go of the incessant need to get ahead, to be bigger, better and more bound by the future. Particularly when the driving force is often the past. A past driven by its past. We are mistaken indeed if we think we are going to solve the problem. That is more arrogance. We need to lay down our big cars, promotions, excessive wealth imbalance and bow down to the present moment. We were forced during lockdown. We will be forced again, but next time we may not have the resources to save ourselves.

Renovating a sitting room with minimal original features but a lifetime of neglect has taught me to appreciate what pairing back truly means. There is grime, dust, slugs, uneven surfaces, stress, but most of all a reality check. What other areas of my life need restoration? Are you living authentically? Do you conceal your true nature? What happens when you remove the scaffolding and support yourself? Will fresh ideas emerge? Will your value system change? Will you say this writer is bonkers and I must haul home yet another shopping loot?

What will you do instead?  Allow yourself the time to explore more? Sit with the mess, the less-than-perfect walls of your own existence and not want to fill that room. You have created space now; breathe into it. You may feel unaccomplished, but you are just beginning.

One of my favourite TV presenters was Hugh Wallace. He appreciated all of this on an architectural level, and as a result, he was truly enlightened. I wonder whether he appreciated that. I will miss his authenticity and firmly believe that wherever he is, there is great colour, honest review and unwavering values.

Aintherese Xx